Emergency
911Overdose, chest pain, seizure, unresponsive — call. In many states Good Samaritan laws protect the person who dials.
This part is not satire
If you want out, start here.
The magazine makes fun of the lifestyle press. It does not make fun of getting help. These numbers work whether you thought the columns were funny or not.
Treatment referral
SAMHSA 1-800-662-4357Free, confidential, 24/7, English and Spanish. Local treatment, detox, peer support. Also findtreatment.gov.
Crisis
988 Suicide & Crisis LifelineCall or text 988. Or text HOME to 741741.
If you are going to use alone anyway
Never Use Alone 1-800-484-3731A volunteer stays on the line. If you go quiet, they call emergency services. Non-judgmental on purpose.
Veterans
988, then press 1 · text 838255
Money from this site
Ten percent of merch and every dollar from the Recovery Donation tile on the store is earmarked for treatment referral and harm-reduction orgs. The jokes do not get that money.